Gym...

I am now going to the gym Tuesdays and Thursdays. And am supposedly exercising at home on the weekends. I actually bought an elliptical machine. I have actually still not learned to spell this world "elliptical". I have put more effort into learning to spell that word than using the machine itself. (Yes I am kinda ashamed of that) I have gained 30 pounds over the last year.
And I just feel like maybe if I blog about it maybe because am writing it down I will put some more commitment into it.

See the problem is finding the motivation to loose the weight. I have a personal trainer. In whom I have invested a lot of money. As we all know the don't come cheap. When I tell people this that I have a trainer the laugh or think am stupid or have money to waste. And the truth is am beginning to wonder not about the stupid part but if I do have a lot of money to waste. As at the time when I signed up I thought to myself. Am not going to miss any of it. As am going to want to go. Since am paying for it.

But I dont know if its the devil or if its just me. But some mornings especially when I got home late the previous night from work, I honestly don't give @$@# if I miss it. As all I think about is I have to go to work and am so sleepy.

(Just pausing on that topic to say this is like the fifth time for the last two weeks that I have seen my husband turn and hit his hand on the bed board. And he still has not learnt his lesson to move with caution when turning on the bed. And he actually have a tear in his eyes, which means it really hurt this time. You know that feeling when you hit your elbow? I am just laughing him cuz he is not learning.)

Anyways tonight am just wondering what it will take to keep me motivated and exercise regularly?

What I do...

Okay I have finally decided to say what I do for a living right now. I am an insurance adviser for home and auto insurance.(Ducking... shielding my head with my hands, dodging bullets) Well the fear started with my husband treatment the first week I started the job. I have kinda been scared to tell people that I do this. Especially with the recent rate increase. I hear it everyday from my husband about how insurance company are rip offs and bla bla bla. And sometimes I just feel like saying "OH SHUT UP". Oh wait yes I have started to tell him that and he has stopped. Cause I do it enough all day at work defending insurance companies. And he is not one of my customer so am not going to talk to him about it.

I am just writing about it as its been a year now since I have been doing this for my living. I just advise people about there options for a company. I work for one insurance company alone. I wish to keep that anonymous. Recently wow have the prices increase for insurance. Its becoming scary. Sometimes I feel like am having an out of body experience when I have to tell clients what there price are for a quote or renewal. Its like I can hear myself saying the numbers. But it doesn't feel like am saying them.

Yeah I try not to disclose my full name to these customers. Just incase the take it personally. Its not like am collecting there premium.

Anyways after a year I think I am finally breaking into my job. I like my colleagues. And I like my boss well I should say bosses. This place has alot of bosses. And I really do like being a customer service rep. more than a telemarketer. Infact I dont think I can go back to telemarketing. Unless I really really have to.

Anyways my shift sucks. I am working 12:00 to 9:00pm so I have no life. But the sad part is even if I was working a different shift. I still would have no life. As am married to Mr. Boring. Who does not enjoy going anywhere or doing anything. And I do not like going out by myself. So its kinda all good. And am making more money on this shift. So more money to buy more stuff with yeah me..

So there thats what I do...

Not so old after all...

So next month is my birthday... When I was growing up I was often sick on my birthday.
This year I know God is thinking of me... As this past month I have only been getting compliments on how young I look and sound.

It started a Saturday I was sleeping. When the phone rang... I grabbed it cuz I was expecting a call. It was the internet guy from Bell.

Me: Hello?
Bell Guy: Hi there is your dad home?
Me: Ummm no... Whose callin?(wondering how hold does he think I sound cuz hes talking to me like if am 4 or 5)
Bell Guy: Its the guy from bell do you know when your dad will be home?
Me: (Blushing like crazy)Um its for me?
Bell Guy: Can I speak to your mom?
Me: Its um my account.
Bell Guy: Clearing throat oh sorry I'll be there in half an hr.
Me: um its ok see u then.

Then this past week I was sick. So I was home from work. Then I called a taxi to the doctor office. Oh at the doctors office the gave me a mask to wear. Because I was coughing so much. I was embarrassed but at least no one could see my face. So its not all that embarrassing. Next time am there the will not know it was me.

Oh then I sneezed into the mask and got snot all over my face. This was so gross. But apparently it seems to be a good moisturizer

Sick!!!!

Yeah am sick... and not just sick with the fever and the cough... I am just sick of everything...

Sometimes I just get fed up everything. I am sure everyone feels so sometimes no matter how much you love your husband, or your wife or your children or your parents. I am pretty sure everyone sometimes feel the same way like I do. Like you just want to drop everything, leave everything behind and go far far away...

Kinda like breaking free from everything. I feel like leaving all my clothes behind... Just jump in to the ocean and swim far far far away to some island with no one but myself and birds and trees and nothing but clear blue skies, actually I wouldn't mind some clouds floating around...

Where its just me and all about me. I don't have to listen to anyone complain about this or that. And just forget about everything...

Okay and maybe if am the only one who feels this way then am really bad... But I dont really care. Today I just want to be left alone...

Tomorrow when am better I'll swim back from my little island and listen to anyone who wants to complain even about where I went missing today...

Why men have short life spans...

So I'll tell you a story a true true story that happened a couple of days back. That am not very proud of and honestly don't know what I thinking.

So it all started one early morning... I was running late for work. My hubby was not well. And I thought twice before I woke him up to take me to the subway. Anyways as usual he has no problem. He wakes up and get puts on some clothes doesn't even bother to comb his hair as am just quarreling for him to hurry up am late...

Anyways we had a nice chat on our way. Then we got there and am leaning over to give him a quick kiss goodbye. My hand on his shoulders. Am leaning in when my eyes land on his lips. Something pink...SOMETHING PINK... I licked my lips. I do not have pink lip stick on. Did I wear lipstick last nite? I DID NOT WEAR LIPS STICK LAST NITE.

My hands reach for his throat. Then I start poking him. "You better explain right now. Why you have pink stuff on ur lips?' "RITE NOW" "AND I MEAN LIKE RIGHT NOW".

Its kinda like slow motion kinda thing... I watched as his expression went from puckered up lips for a kiss to like "What the hell? Insane woman on the loose" He pulls his lip to look at it.(Which was funny I don't know long he thought his lip was) Then he looked into the rear view mirror. Then he looked like he was thinking "I wonder if I jump out of the car if I'll be able to out run her?" Then it went to that look "I cant believe shes seriously asking me this" Then he got an amused look on his face.

Mean while am all hot in the face ready to cry. All angry and hysterical. I know deep down in my heart he would never do something to hurt me. But you never know.
And am still shouting like crazy...

He gaves a sigh. And am like "WHAT??? WHAT???" "I WANT AN ANSWER LIKE RIGHT NOW"
And he says finally "I will tell you tonight" and am like "NO TELl ME NOW DAVE".
"I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW IF I SHOULD BOTHER COME HOME OR NOT" And he is just looking so amused and I did not find anything to be funny about.
And hes like " Just go to work ok and he leans to give me a kiss. And am like "Take it back too cuz I dont want nothing except an answer". "Maybe you would like to know how I got these marks on my neck?" And hes just like "Okay well maybe we bought have a lot to say tonight."

Anyways I went to work. It didn't bother me that much. I mean all I did with my free time was think about whats pink. I mean we bought some lollipops but my brother has them. None looked pink. We have a pink tin of wavers. But I never really opened it and had any. I wonder how pink is it. I know I'll call my brother and ask him to go have one and tell me how pink his mouth gets... Shoot two hrs more for lunch. Maybe I can take a quick break and call him. Oh yeah hes in school. And by the time he gets home so will my husband... Strawberries aren't pink. Rasberries? I don't think so? Ice cream? no we only have vanilla...

Lunch time. Ring ring ring, its my husband.
Me: "Were are you?"
Him: "Well I don't know"
Me: "How come you don't know where you"
Him: "Well am talking on the phone. They home phone"
Me: "Oh sorry"
Him: "So what are you having for lunch?"
Me: "So explain yourself Dave???"
Him: "I told you i'll tell you when you get home"
Me: "No I want to know right now".

anyways bla bla bla another 4 hrs more of me going crazy...

Finally I am at the subway walking to the car I get in. "Well explain yourself".
He start driving. He looks at me. Shakes his head. And am like "Am not talking to you until you tell me why you had pink stuff on your lips?"

And he says "Do you really want to know?" And am like "YES". Searching for my tissue. He says "Remember last nite you gave me the "PEPTOBISMOL"?

"PEPTOBISMOL" that's pink. It could stain your lips I guess. Especially if its dried and cracked up like his. And am thinking now? Should I buy this?

ME: "well why didnt you tell me since this morning? How do I know you did take all day to think of that excuse?"
Him: "And miss the chance of seeing you like that all day?"

Me: growling... growing silent. "Ok I have nothing to say then".

(Had this been vice-versa him accusing me of something. He would have been dead. Cuz I would be quarreling like crazy that he can suspect anything about me. And I cant believe he doubts my love for him like that. But not him. He is always so kool about
everything.)

There! Thats my story of how why men have short life span. I mean Had I been hungry when I saw the pink stuff on his lip and I had a gun who knows he would have been dead if he didn't give me an answer rite there and then.

I really don't know if I should have said am sorry... Instead I said "Well maybe your not doing enough for me to think you love only me luv"

Someones Got Issues and its not me...

So sunday was an ok day. It started out with me getting up and waking my husband up to ask him if he knows what time is it. As usual once he knows its lunch time he askes me to bring him breakfast. Of course this ticks me off. Because I dont know why he cant bring me breakfast. He does sometimes. He did that morning too. But the fact remains that it was not a surprise or anything. I did have to tell him get his own breakfast and if he does bring me some.

Which kind of ruins the whole nice idea of having someone bring you breakfast in bed. (Someone has issues). Anyways we had to go out for 2. But he kept wasting time and so I did the same.

We ended up going late to the birthday party, then we had a thankx giving dinner with my dads mom. My family is totally different from my husbands family. Okay let me rephrase that "My dad's family is totally different from the rest of the world". My bro went with us. It was a fun dinner though. Then we had a friends party to go to. Which also fun. It was all my husbands friends and there wifes. But I guess now here they are my only friends I have here. Of course my bro went with us too. He was not happy about the whole thing. And he kept complaining all night long about when are we going to go home. This brought back old memories to when I was still my husbands girlfriend and I was actually not in a hurry to get home.
Then I realised of course that now am his wife and I am still not in a hurry to get home. The topic is sad actually and I am not sure what I want lately so am not going to go into that.

Today... I have spent it all updating my blog to look how I want it to... And I have added a little waffle picture of me...

This is Luv...

Thursday night:
Me: Luv why are you putting the knife in the draws when there is a knife rack here for the knives?
Luv: Cuz its easier to find in the draw.
Me: Oh my god you drive me crazy... Why are you using that? Dont put that down on the cupboard. I gone kill you if you make that fall.

Finally
Me: (holding my breathe) Luv are you working tomorrow?
Luv: Yes
Both of us: (exhaling loudly) THANK GOD!!!...

Me: What do you mean by "THANK GOD"?
Luv: You said it too...
Me: Well I have every right to. Your difficult to live with...
Luv: No comment I have to sleep just now...
Me: What you mean 'no comment'? You think am difficult to live? I am not difficult to live with...

Friday Slept all day... And watched tv...

Saturday...
Woke up since 7. Watched a movie. Played music, dance, wash some clothes, pack some clothes... Watched another movie.
Hmmm...
Called up my luv.
Me: Hi
Luv: Hello
Me: Hi
Luv: Hellooo
Me: Hiii
Luv: Helloo Helloo
Me: I LOVE YOU
Luv: I LOVE YOU TOO...
Me: I MISS YOU LUV... BUT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU TO COME HOME SOON OK.
Luv: I am not coming home soon anyways...
Me: Ok luv u bye.

ahh... a what a nice day... now back to the music and some dancing...

hope everyone has a wonderful thankx giving...

GRRRRRR....

Well provided that I have had little or no sleep last nite. I have every right to be as grumpy as I am today. I just had a co worker   

practically beg me to go sit with  her. And what do I  do? I declined. I prefer to sit here by myself and sulk and sleep in    

between calls.

 

Most times I really like my job. But days like this I wish I was in retail face to face with clients. Atleast then the can see I look like crap so of course I must sound like crap. Rather than over the phone where I sound like crap and the think am treating them like 

crap so am giving they company I work a bad image. So I have to but on a fake voice. And I hate doing fake laughs. 

 

Its like days like this that I feel sick. Cause I hate faking  stuff. Why cause am scared it will grow on me lol. Sometimes I wonder how do actors live there life away from acting? Do the hide it when there hurt too? And act like its ok it doesnt bother them?

 

Anyways all this talking and still only an hour has passed by... its going to be a long long day... I can feel it.

 

Hope no one else has to work today like me. Well my hubby is working too poor thing I feel so sorry for him...

    
 

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Gotto love Fridays

Except of course when you have to work the following Saturday. But on the bright side I get the coming Friday off and the following Monday is a holiday. Now if there was only some way someone could confirm I am going to live for sure till then to enjoy it, I would be very happy.

And some sleep right now would be good too...

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Sucker...

Well after the fight with my husband I thought maybe I have gotten through to him, because he
did pour soap all over the bathroom in an attempt to clean it but until now nothing else has been
done. I dont know if he is going to do it tonight.

Its like hes such a big kid and doesnt want to grow up. Like the other day I gave him four pillow cases and I said "Please change the cases before I get back from the shower."
I came back and hes like "Here you gave me na extra case." I was like "how could there be an extra case you are suppose to give me four dirty pillow cases." Instead he gave me three dirty cases and one of the clean one back.

And am like "Luv you didnt change that one. And hes like "Well I probably took off the same one and but it on back cause I counted four." And am like "Well you have to do it again."

And hes like "Me na able, turn off the lights let sleep." And am like "No you have to change it."
And hes like "Its my pillow ok."

Oh my God I swear he is driving me crazy. Its like after a year I dont find certain things cute anymore.

But seriously though he did make an effort yesterday and do other things I told him. I guess its
just going to take some getting use to. But hes going to get there slowly.

Right now anwayz am late for work...

So bye...
Hope everyone whose reading this is doing great...

Summer Time...

So its summer time... And nothing is going my way... First I lost my glasses and when I found them they were broken. Then I fell and broke my iphone, then my camera broke. Then my home cordless phone fell and cracked.

I just feel like everything is falling a part.... Even my body lol... everywhere hurts. Today I got in a fight with my husband a cried a bit. Sometimes its good to cry though... but not today and not for the rest of the summer. Am determined to not let anything bother me.

Screw the whole world and everything in it. Nothing is going to bother me this summer. No one wants to help me clean the house... Well thats fine with me. I dont care a @#$# too... No one cares if grocery is done in the house... neither do I.

I work hard enough all week at work and I work enough to buy food for one.

I am not going to kill my self cleaning and packing all day and trying to get things for everyone
when they dont care either. I am done... From this day forward am going to be self observant, selfish, careless person that I have been accused of time and time again and am done trying
to get things done when everyone is out having fun.

I am going to start doing more things for myself now. And buy stuff I want.

At first I was like " Oh lets save to pay off mortgage and this and that." Well now I dont care anymore. If its going to take a 100 years to pay, let it. Cause I dont know if am going to live that long. And today I need new shoes...

I honestly dont care about anyone anymore... I will only help those who help themselves from now on.. or those who obsolutely cant help themselve...

And thats my new policy...

Hope everyone is doing great.... Cuz once again its up to you at the end of the day to make yourself happy..

Lesser by the day
===================

21st Century...

We are becoming lesser by the day

Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationships - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very Very less

~Author Unknown

 

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Breaking Free...

So all my life I have been trying to avoid pink. Because it symbolizes softness, and girliness, and bunny, and cuddlyness. And its not how I wanted to present myself to the world.

Now suddenly I feel this great need to be known as someone who is girly girl. Who loves cute stuff. Who likes to cuddle... and smell all pretty. I guess its because I am finally having less and less responsibility everyday...

My siblings dont need me as much anymore... My mom dont need me anymore... My husband dont (Ok well no comments there)... And I am finally having more and more time by myself...
Lots of time to think of what I like.

And I need a new wardrobe. I swear I should be on that show `What Not To Wear`. Yup There is not a single peice of clothing in my wardrobe that they would allow me to keep. Honestly... Not even one shirt. I have nothing that matches. Nothing that doesnt have atleast a tiny whole in it. Well anything that doesnt has nothing to go with it. I have nothing thats bright and colourful. All my clothes are a mixture of hand me downs from my mom... Which makes me look twice my age. The rest of them are gifts from my aunts who are in there 40ties...

And those I bought myself... Well I must have not been awake as yet when I was buying them. Cuz I seriously dont know what I was thinking... Or maybe I just didn`t know better considering what I have been brought up in and wearing all my life.

And I do remember myself saying recently that I do not care about appearances... And what I look like on the outside... I dont know but I just suddenly feel this great urge... this sense that I want to look nice.. not for anyone else but just for myself... I want to one day just for myself look in the mirror and see some clothes that match... that dont look well worn. And are so bright you could spot me from the moon.

I need probably a new husband... who could afford this. Which with how I dress would definitely not be possible..(lol) So the next best thing is I am going to start saving. Am going to stop going over to the $5.00 racks and just look for what could fit me and buy it. Instead am going to take my time. And not buy something I dont like. Am only going to buy clothes from this day forward that I like. And thats a promise I intend to keep....

Now I just have to say the same thing about my shoes....

A baby??? Um I dont know... :?)

So sunday my uncle, his daughter and I went to the mall... It was 10:30 am. And we did not know
it opened until 11:30. Anyways me and his daughter were playing all kind of crazy games, like
who can toss a coin the highest, and who can get the most guess whether its head or tails right.
And I see something red, blue, you name the colours, just so we would not die from boredom.

Anyways she waited until when the mall was crowded to have this conversation:
My lil cuz: "Awwww look at that baby, he is so cuteeeee".
Me: "Yeah what a cute little baby... I could just kiss him".
My lil cuz: "Jihan when you grow up are you going to have a baby?"
Me: "(Well beaming with a big smile, thinking to myself "When I grow up :))))", "When I grow up:)))))))))". Gee I wonder how old does she think I am?)" Then I said: "Um yeah I think so !"
(And we were walking while we had this conversation. She suddenly stops walking turn and look at me and run towards me. Grabs my hand. And starts shouting.
"WAIT!!! YOU'RE ALREADY GROWN UP!!!! LETS HAVE A BABY!!!!!"

Me: "(Wishing I had a mirror in front of me to see the look on my face. Especially when it looked
like if time slowed down and I just saw heads turning towards me. And people smiling... And nodding towards me. Mean while my cuz is still holding on to my hand shouting "Jihaaan...
Why dont we have a baby".

Me: "(Still thinking of something to say...) We are walking again now heading towards the escalator..." We are on the escalator. And she still is jumping up and down... Something about a baby... While my heart is in my heart holding on to her hands. Cuz God knows am still scared of
walking up escalators. And here she is jumping about on it."

We are almost at the end of the escalator and she is still cheering me on with a little dance "Baby, Baby, We are going to have a baby!!!".

And am thinking "Invisible thoughts...No one can see me...I am not really here...Please God I hope she doesnt ask where do babies come from... I think she is eight, she must know where babies come from... I wonder from what grade do the teach that in school?"

Finally we are upstairs. And she is still with "Jihaan when are you going to have a baby?"
Finally I said :"Um why don't you ask Dave when we get home?"
Lil cuz: "I cant ask him poopoo head... Your the one who have to have it".
Me: "(I cant believe she called me a poo poo head. What the hell is a poo poo head?)"
And then out the corner of my eyes I saw it an answer to all my questions... "A cotton candy stand". There is a God..... I just point and shouted "Candy"...

Then there was another shout of "Yeahhhhh" And some running...
And "I want Pink"

And that was that..."No more talks of that".

But I cant help but wondering still "When am I going to have a baby?"
I havent as yet because I keep thinking am not ready for it. But is anyone every ready for a baby?
People tell you all kind of things like "Wait until your financially ready. Wait until you have someone at home to help you. Wait until you loose weight. Wait until you have travelled and seen the world. Wait until you have had enough fun with your life. Wait for this... Wait for that. "
But is anyone ever truly ready? Ready to take on a responsibility that is a life time contract.
Its not like when it happens you can change your mind and say: "Okay God I am not happy with this product I would like to return it.. or exchange it.. or send it back for some repair or improvements". God knows if that was the case I would be living with him... Cuz my mom would probably send me back everyday... with all the trouble I gave her.

I honestly... "Dont Know". I keep fooling myself and say I was brought up selfish... that is why am so self centered. Thats why I worry so much about having to do everything for a baby. And am not ready yet to make that committment. But some times I cant help but wonder if its just me.

Little by little every day am trying to care for someone other than myself... This weekend that went by I spent sometime helping my bro with his clothes. And his room. Though my husband had this look on his face that said "Why doesnt she clean our room? Why God? Why?".

But all in all am really trying... I told him if it happens it happens. If we have a baby we will try our best. But until I honestly think am ready I am not going to try to have one. I just hope that I feel ready before am too old... (Or my husband is too old lol)...

Anyways Gotto run peace...