A baby??? Um I dont know... :?)

So sunday my uncle, his daughter and I went to the mall... It was 10:30 am. And we did not know
it opened until 11:30. Anyways me and his daughter were playing all kind of crazy games, like
who can toss a coin the highest, and who can get the most guess whether its head or tails right.
And I see something red, blue, you name the colours, just so we would not die from boredom.

Anyways she waited until when the mall was crowded to have this conversation:
My lil cuz: "Awwww look at that baby, he is so cuteeeee".
Me: "Yeah what a cute little baby... I could just kiss him".
My lil cuz: "Jihan when you grow up are you going to have a baby?"
Me: "(Well beaming with a big smile, thinking to myself "When I grow up :))))", "When I grow up:)))))))))". Gee I wonder how old does she think I am?)" Then I said: "Um yeah I think so !"
(And we were walking while we had this conversation. She suddenly stops walking turn and look at me and run towards me. Grabs my hand. And starts shouting.
"WAIT!!! YOU'RE ALREADY GROWN UP!!!! LETS HAVE A BABY!!!!!"

Me: "(Wishing I had a mirror in front of me to see the look on my face. Especially when it looked
like if time slowed down and I just saw heads turning towards me. And people smiling... And nodding towards me. Mean while my cuz is still holding on to my hand shouting "Jihaaan...
Why dont we have a baby".

Me: "(Still thinking of something to say...) We are walking again now heading towards the escalator..." We are on the escalator. And she still is jumping up and down... Something about a baby... While my heart is in my heart holding on to her hands. Cuz God knows am still scared of
walking up escalators. And here she is jumping about on it."

We are almost at the end of the escalator and she is still cheering me on with a little dance "Baby, Baby, We are going to have a baby!!!".

And am thinking "Invisible thoughts...No one can see me...I am not really here...Please God I hope she doesnt ask where do babies come from... I think she is eight, she must know where babies come from... I wonder from what grade do the teach that in school?"

Finally we are upstairs. And she is still with "Jihaan when are you going to have a baby?"
Finally I said :"Um why don't you ask Dave when we get home?"
Lil cuz: "I cant ask him poopoo head... Your the one who have to have it".
Me: "(I cant believe she called me a poo poo head. What the hell is a poo poo head?)"
And then out the corner of my eyes I saw it an answer to all my questions... "A cotton candy stand". There is a God..... I just point and shouted "Candy"...

Then there was another shout of "Yeahhhhh" And some running...
And "I want Pink"

And that was that..."No more talks of that".

But I cant help but wondering still "When am I going to have a baby?"
I havent as yet because I keep thinking am not ready for it. But is anyone every ready for a baby?
People tell you all kind of things like "Wait until your financially ready. Wait until you have someone at home to help you. Wait until you loose weight. Wait until you have travelled and seen the world. Wait until you have had enough fun with your life. Wait for this... Wait for that. "
But is anyone ever truly ready? Ready to take on a responsibility that is a life time contract.
Its not like when it happens you can change your mind and say: "Okay God I am not happy with this product I would like to return it.. or exchange it.. or send it back for some repair or improvements". God knows if that was the case I would be living with him... Cuz my mom would probably send me back everyday... with all the trouble I gave her.

I honestly... "Dont Know". I keep fooling myself and say I was brought up selfish... that is why am so self centered. Thats why I worry so much about having to do everything for a baby. And am not ready yet to make that committment. But some times I cant help but wonder if its just me.

Little by little every day am trying to care for someone other than myself... This weekend that went by I spent sometime helping my bro with his clothes. And his room. Though my husband had this look on his face that said "Why doesnt she clean our room? Why God? Why?".

But all in all am really trying... I told him if it happens it happens. If we have a baby we will try our best. But until I honestly think am ready I am not going to try to have one. I just hope that I feel ready before am too old... (Or my husband is too old lol)...

Anyways Gotto run peace...